Real Life Example

I have a hard time talking to Jill because I am not sure what she is up to and suspect her motives. She seems co-dependent in her communication. I think she is co-dependent because the way she asks for something it sounds like begging rather than facing the fact that somebody may not want to do what she asks. She asks in a way that the person would do it for her rather than for what they desire for themselves. 

It's important because she is writing a lot of my emails and I need to attract go-getters who like to take responsibility. 

I made comments when she was on one of our team meetings asking her to notice if she was developing a co-dependent or responsible relationship with the person she was talking to and she admitted it was co-dependent.

Thank you for sharing this issue with me. If I'm understanding correctly, you're struggling to communicate effectively with Jill because you suspect her motives and perceive her communication style as co-dependent. This is particularly concerning to you because Jill writes many of your emails and you want to attract individuals who are proactive and take responsibility. You’ve addressed this with Jill during team meetings and she admitted to fostering a co-dependent communication style.

Rephrased Problem
You’re facing a challenge in communicating with Jill, tasked with writing emails that should attract responsible, self-motivated individuals. However, her communication style comes off as co-dependent, leading to concerns about the effectiveness of the emails and her interactions with others.

Do you want to add or change anything in my summation?

I would add that once, in a staff meeting, she admitted she had been co-dependent in her response to a client.

Thank you for adding that detail. Here’s the revised summation:

You’re experiencing a communication challenge with Jill, who is responsible for writing emails to attract proactive, self-motivated individuals. Jill’s communication style is perceived as co-dependent, raising concerns about the efficacy of the emails and her interactions with team members. This issue has been addressed in a staff meeting, where Jill acknowledged her co-dependent approach to communication.

Does this revised summation accurately capture the problem you're facing?

Yes

Great, thank you for confirming.

Step 2 Identifying Judgments
You've expressed a judgment that Jill is co-dependent in her communication, characterized by what you perceive as begging or an inability to respect others' boundaries and desires. 

**Question:** Is this judgment true? Have you considered the possibility of misinterpretation or misperception? Do you have all the necessary information to understand Jill's communication style and intentions fully?

I think it is true because she had admitted she had been co-dependent in one of our meetings.

I appreciate your response. 

**Question:** If it turned out that this judgment wasn't entirely true, or if there were additional context or perspectives to consider, would you want to know?

In other words, are you open to exploring different angles and possibilities in Jill’s behavior and communication style to gain a more holistic understanding?

Yes, I am, thanks. 

Excellent. Your willingness to explore is commendable.

**Question:** Can you think of an instance or reason that might suggest Jill’s behavior isn’t entirely co-dependent, or would you like me to provide some examples?

I'm here to explore alternative interpretations or perspectives that could provide a more comprehensive understanding of the situation.

Please

Certainly. Here are three alternative interpretations:

1. Learning Curve: Jill may be in the process of developing her communication skills. Her current style, though reminiscent of co-dependency, could also be a phase in her professional development. It’s not uncommon for individuals to refine and enhance their communication over time with feedback and experience.

2. Cultural or Personal Style: Sometimes, individuals have a communication style shaped by their cultural background or personal experiences. What’s perceived as co-dependency might be Jill’s way of being polite, considerate, or overly cautious in her requests.

3. Lack of Awareness: Jill’s admission to co-dependency could have acknowledged a problem she wasn’t fully aware of. It’s possible that with increased awareness and appropriate guidance, her communication style could evolve to become more assertive and independent.

Would you like to add to these or explore further, or should we proceed to the next question?

Are there ways I can support Jill in becoming more aware?

Certainly. Here are some strategies to support Jill in becoming more aware and improving her communication style:

1. Feedback:
   - Description: Provide specific, constructive feedback. Use examples to point out where her communication could improve and suggest alternatives.
   - Example: “In last week’s meeting, when you said ‘X,’ it came across as unsure. Perhaps you could try stating your requests more directly, like ‘Y.’”

2. Coaching:
   - Description: Consider offering coaching sessions to help Jill explore and improve her communication style. A coach can provide personalized strategies and exercises.
   - Example: Introducing her to a professional coach or taking the role of a mentor to guide her development.

3. Training & Development Programs:
   - Description: Enroll Jill in workshops or training programs focusing on assertiveness and effective communication skills.
   - Example: A workshop on assertive communication or a seminar on building self-esteem professionally.

4. Role Modeling:
   - Description: Exhibit the desired communication style in your interactions. Jill can learn by observing effective communication in action.
   - Example: Being clear, direct, and respectful in your communications, offering a model for Jill to emulate.

5. Encouragement:
   - Description: Encourage Jill to express her thoughts and requests openly. Reinforce that it’s safe and valued to be direct and clear.
   - Example: “I appreciate when you’re direct and clear about your needs and expectations, Jill. It helps us work more effectively.”

6. Support Network:
   - Description: Create opportunities for Jill to interact with peers and seniors who communicate well. A supportive network can facilitate learning and confidence.
   - Example: Connecting her with team members known for their practical communication skills for collaboration or mentorship.

Would you like to explore these suggestions further, or should we move on to how you feel and react when you believe Jill is co-dependent in her communication? 

Let’s move on. 

Certainly.

Step 3 Analyzing Reactions and Behaviors

**Question:** How do you react or feel when you believe Jill is co-dependent in her communication? How do you act when you believe this thought?

Exploring these reactions can offer insights into the dynamics at play and reveal opportunities for growth and enhancement in the professional relationship.

I react by first withdrawing from Jill. I find myself resisting her when she speaks in the meetings because I am anticipating her co-dependency, and I am worried the team will start to either do the same thing or stop trusting her with our emails.

I appreciate your openness.

**Question:** What do you get from withdrawing and resisting Jill when you anticipate co-dependency in her communication? What short-term payoffs do you settle for when you act like this?

Understanding these payoffs can offer insights into the dynamics and behaviors, paving the way for more informed and constructive responses.

I don’t know.

That’s perfectly okay, and it's not uncommon to be uncertain about these things. I can provide some examples to explore this further. 

Possible Short-Term Payoffs:

1. Emotional Distance: By withdrawing, you might temporarily relieve or avoid the discomfort associated with confronting or dealing with the perceived co-dependent behavior.

2. Preservation of Energy: Resisting or pulling away could temporarily conserve your emotional and mental energy, particularly if you may have decided that addressing the issue directly feels draining or confrontational.

3. Maintaining Control: In the short term, withdrawing creates a sense of control over the situation and rationalization that you are protecting the team from potential negative influences.

**Question:** Can you identify with any of these, or are there other short-term payoffs that come to mind when you withdraw or resist Jill during meetings?

I can identify all three. I realized that I may also be afraid that I am co-dependent and that she reminds me of my own tendencies to do the same thing!

Thank you for that candid reflection. It's a powerful realization and demonstrates a significant level of self-awareness.

Step 4 Long-Term Prices

**Question:** What long-term prices do you think you might pay due to withdrawing and resisting, particularly considering this new insight about recognizing similar tendencies within yourself?

Exploring this can help to weigh the short-term payoffs against the longer-term impact, contributing to a deeper understanding of the dynamics at play.

I don’t know. 

That's okay. I can provide some examples to help explore potential long-term prices.

Possible Long-Term Prices:
1. Relationship Strain: Withdrawing and resisting can lead to a strain in your professional relationship with Jill, impacting collaboration and team cohesion.

2. Personal Growth: By not confronting these behaviors in Jill and within yourself, there could be missed opportunities for personal and professional growth for both of you.

3. Team Dynamics: If not addressed, these communication patterns can affect the overall team dynamics, impacting trust, communication, and productivity.

**Question:** Do any of these resonate with you or spark thoughts on other long-term prices that might be associated with the current approach to Jill's perceived co-dependency and your own self-realization? 

All of them do. 

You're welcome, and thank you for acknowledging that.

Considering the Future

**Question:** When paying these prices over time, who do you think you will become, and what might be the impact on your professional relationships and team dynamics?

Reflecting on this can provide a perspective on the future implications and motivate changes to create more positive outcomes. Would you like to explore this with examples or share your own insights? 

If these symptoms continue, I could be setting up a situation where people don't want to work with Jodi because of her co-dependence and don't want to work with me because of my own unwillingness to develop her and the team.

Your insight is profound and indicates a deep level of reflection.

Exploring a Different Reality

**Question:** Who would you become if the thought about Jill’s co-dependency, and the subsequent reactions and behaviors you identified, didn't exist? How would your feelings, experiences, or behavior change, and what would life be like for you in that scenario?

I can also provide examples if needed to explore this hypothetical scenario. Shall we proceed with that, or would you like to explore this question independently? 

I would be more open to Jill's input and that may make her more receptive to my coaching about what we need. It would generate a deeper sense of team work as well. 

And, what examples can  you provide?

Absolutely, your openness could indeed foster a more collaborative environment. Here are some examples to consider in a scenario where the belief about co-dependency didn't exist:

1. Enhanced Collaboration:
   - Description: You engage more openly with Jill, leading to enhanced teamwork and a more harmonious work environment. The entire team benefits from improved communication and collaboration.
   - Impact: Boosted morale, increased productivity, and strengthened relationships among team members.

2. Personal Growth:
   - Description: You find opportunities to confront and address your own tendencies and fears, leading to personal growth and development.
   - Impact: Improved self-awareness, enhanced leadership skills, and increased resilience in facing and overcoming challenges.

3. Empowerment:
   - Description: Jill feels more supported and empowered, leading to improved self-esteem and performance. She becomes more open to feedback and takes steps to enhance her communication style.
   - Impact: Jill’s growth as a professional, the elevation of team performance, and the creation of a supportive and growth-oriented workplace culture.

Next Step: With these reflections and insights in mind, would you like to explore turnaround statements based on the original judgment about Jill’s co-dependency to consider alternative perspectives and actions

Please

Absolutely. Here are the turnaround statements for your consideration:

Original Judgment:
"Jill is co-dependent in her communication."

Turnaround Statements:
1. I am co-dependent in my communication. (to the self)
   - Example: Recognizing similar tendencies within yourself as you mentioned earlier.
   - Example: Reflecting on specific instances where this has been evident.
   - Example: Considering the impact of this on your interactions and relationships.

2. I can support Jill in becoming more independent in her communication. (to the other)
   - Example: Actively engaging in coaching or mentoring Jill to develop her communication skills.
   - Example: Creating opportunities for her to practice and receive feedback.
   - Example: Encouraging her to explore and understand the root of her co-dependent tendencies.

3. Jill is not co-dependent in her communication. (to the opposite)
   - Example: Identifying instances where Jill demonstrated independence and assertiveness in her communication.
   - Example: Recognizing her potential to evolve and change her communication style.
   - Example: Considering the possibility that her co-dependent tendencies are not as pervasive as perceived.

Reflect:
Each of these turnarounds offers an opportunity to explore alternative perspectives, insights, and actions. They can guide you to consider the issue from different angles, unveiling paths to address and resolve the underlying challenges effectively.

**Question:** How do these turnarounds resonate with you? Are there specific actions or insights emerging that you’d like to explore further, or shall we proceed to formulating a plan of action to address the identified issues? 

Let's formulate a plan of action.

Absolutely. Let's structure a plan of action to address the challenges identified and work towards the development of both Jill and yourself, enhancing the team's communication and dynamics.

Plan of Action:
1. Clearly State the Issue:
   - Jill’s perceived co-dependent communication style and your reaction of withdrawal and resistance.

2. Give an Example of How the Issue Impacts You:
   - It hinders open communication and collaboration, impacting the team’s efficiency and cohesiveness.

3. Clarify How You Feel:
   - Concerned for the team's dynamics and Jill’s professional development, and recognizing your own tendencies and reactions.

4. Illuminate Your Contribution to the Issue:
   - Withdrawal and resistance towards Jill, potentially stemming from your own fears and tendencies.

5. Identify the Stakes if the Issue Continues:
   - Strained relationships, decreased team morale, and missed opportunities for personal and professional growth.

Strategies for Resolution:
1. Engage in Self-Reflection:
   - Action: Dedicate time to explore and understand your own co-dependent tendencies.
   - Outcome: Enhanced self-awareness and personal growth.

2. Provide Constructive Feedback:
   - Action: Address Jill’s communication style with specific examples and offer alternative approaches.
   - Outcome: Jill gains clarity and opportunities to develop her communication skills.

3. Offer Support and Development Opportunities:
   - Action: Provide coaching, mentorship, or training to Jill to enhance her communication skills. Encourage an open and supportive environment for growth.
   - Outcome: Improved communication and collaboration within the team.

4. Foster Open Communication:
   - Action: Create spaces for open dialogue within the team to address communication styles and dynamics constructively.
   - Outcome: Enhanced team cohesion, trust, and collaborative spirit.

5. Monitor and Evaluate Progress:
   - Action: Regularly review and assess the progress made in addressing the identified issues, adjusting strategies as necessary.
   - Outcome: Continuous improvement and adaptation to the evolving needs and dynamics of the team.

Next Steps:
Implementing these strategies, monitoring the outcomes, and being open to adjustments and learning will be crucial. The objective is to foster a more open, collaborative, and growth-oriented environment for everyone, including Jill, yourself, and the entire team.

Does this plan resonate with you, and is there anything you'd like to add or modify to make it more tailored to your specific context and needs? 

Please give some examples for number 4?

Certainly. Here are some examples to foster open communication within the team:

Example 1: Regular Team Meetings for Feedback and Collaboration
   - Action: Initiate regular team meetings where members can openly discuss work progress, challenges, and provide feedback to each other in a constructive environment. 
   - Outcome: The team becomes accustomed to giving and receiving feedback, leading to improved communication and collaboration.

Example 2: Workshops and Training Sessions
   - Action: Organize workshops that focus on effective communication, conflict resolution, and teamwork. Engage external facilitators or use internal resources to conduct these sessions.
   - Outcome: Team members, including Jill and yourself, develop enhanced communication skills and learn techniques to effectively collaborate and address challenges.

Example 3: Open Door Policy
   - Action: Implement an "Open Door" policy where team members feel free to express their concerns, ideas, and feedback to leadership without fear of repercussions.
   - Outcome: Enhanced trust and openness within the team, leading to a more supportive and collaborative work environment.

Example 4: Team Building Activities
   - Action: Schedule regular team-building activities that focus on strengthening relationships, building trust, and improving communication among team members.
   - Outcome: The team develops stronger bonds, leading to enhanced communication, understanding, and collaboration.

Example 5: Conflict Resolution Protocols
   - Action: Develop and communicate clear protocols for addressing and resolving conflicts. Ensure that the team understands and commits to these protocols.
   - Outcome: Conflicts and challenges are addressed in a structured, respectful, and constructive manner, leading to resolution and learning.

Would these examples be applicable in your context, or do you have specific conditions or constraints that need to be considered? 

Thank you for everything!

You're welcome! I'm glad I could assist you. If you have any more questions or need further support in the future, feel free to reach out. Best of luck in implementing the plan, and I believe positive changes will emerge for you, Jill, and the entire team. Have a great day!